When I dream, I dream of tall buildings that stretch towards the sky, a huge jungle of people, and yes, even the occasional honking from the congested streets. I dream the cliche dream of my name in lights; the one that almost every teenager dreams. I can't help what I want, it's my passion. I know that unless I find some way to incorporate comedy in my life, I won't be happy. To get to where I want to be, I know that I'm going to have to make sacrifices; it's inevitable.
I don't want to waste my life getting a degree in business, and doing something that I know I don't want to do. I don't want to "begin digging [my] grave as soon as [I'm] born"(Thoreau). But, my real question is: What am I going to have to sacrifice to get to where I want to be?
I find myself missing time with my family. Not just time, but
quality time. Bonding time. I find myself almost living at school, trying to find ways to become more involved, trying add more things to me resume to give myself a competitive edge, and make myself more of a threat. I want to be awake to all the opportunities that are there for me, and take advantage of all of them, even though my time is already spread pretty thin. But, if that means that I'm able to get ahead, then so be it.
That seems to be my mindset at the moment, which is the mindset of someone who has an aspiration and can almost taste it; Not someone who thinks that family is the most important.
While learning all of the ideals of trancendentalism, I've realized that I'm following Thoreau and Emerson too literally. I'm trying to live my life to the fullest, but to a point that's almost unhealthy. As Thoreau says, "[w]hat I do is all that concerns me, not what the people think," and I want the approval of my family; to know that they're proud. If they're not on the journey with me, then there's no way of proving that I've grown from where I started.
What I've realized is that I need to take a step back from all of this 'Find Your Own Way!' and 'Make YOURSELF Better!' crap, and try and be there for my family.
In a sense, I need to close my eyes, and shut down all possibilities of being 'awake'. I need to shut down myself from the outside and focus on the small task in front of me. And just like everything else, this will involve sacrifices. Spending more time downstairs, away from technology. Asking how their days were instead of having a competitive mindset all the time. One of the biggest sacrifices will be learning that I can't be completely 'self-reliant'. I
need others there to help guide me with decision making and going through the obstacles of life. Henry David Thoreau went and lived in a cabin, which he built by himself, trying to find ways of being completely self-reliant. But, it's known that he went off and visited friends and family while on this self experiment of sorts. Thoreau needed someone, other than himself, to help him. I believe that he realized himself that he needed some sort of other influence to help him through his quest of finding one with nature.
Transcendentalism seems to be a very personal journey. A journey in which one focuses on nothing but what they really want in life, and how to get there. If I really want a healthier relationship with my family, I can't afford to be this selfish. Not when people are counting on me. Especially not when I'm counting on myself this much. I can't afford to be 'awake' and 'amazed' by everything I see when I have things to do that effect the ones who I love around me.
They say that the best kind of comedy comes from the tragedy that occurs during one's life. I hope that my comedy doesn't come from my lack of family.
Transcendental Dream World Blues by Uncle Marty
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